New You Day 3

Man, lava lamps are like....... man, they are totally the symbol of the universe...al world, man. They are balance. Things go up; things go down. But it all balances out in a perfect rhythm of soothing goodness and awesome. I totally see now why my mom said they stared at these things for hours back in the sixties. I'm almost at two days now. This was a good idea.

New You Day Day 2

I have discovered an amazing new use for que tips. Cue tips. Cotton swabs.

Picking my nose!

New You Day

So I finally got the materials necessary for the next plan laid out for me. What is the next plan? More drug experimentation, hooray! Since I'm done with college and running competitively for a team for a while, I figure it'll be fine. Anyways, I'm about to go smoke crack and drop acid. Wish me luck!

Oh, also, I bought a bunch of lava lamps to replace the ones I used to have. I had three, but two of them stopped working, and the third I left in California when I came back home.

~Felderburg

Whoops

So, it looks like I messed up. See, the planner doesn't have Sundays. It just has a little section on top of Saturday where the evenings usually go for the other days. So basically I'm a day ahead.* What does this mean for you? It mean, unfortunately, that I will not post tomorrow, because I have a day off. Woohoo! It's a good thing too, because I probably need the rest.

I spent all of yesterday wiping my butt, and resting, and all of today using a bidet, and resting.** I'm thinking about using my trash bags full of used toilet paper to keep the coyotes away. I just have to hope they're not like other canines I know. Anyways, I hope that all wasn't TMI for you, and I'll see you in a day or two!

~Felderburg




*This would explain why the sheep farmers were surprised to see me. Luckily, sheep farming is an all-week job, so it didn't really matter, I guess.
**Bidets are surprisingly hard to find. There were several not-so-good ones that I found initially, before finally settling on a fancy hotel with old-school plumbing fixtures. I thought that quality really should not be compromised in a situation like this. The fact that I had to skip out on paying a very expensive hotel room and left the bidet much unimproved is alright with me--I think the clean results are worth it.

Fond Memories With Sheep, and a Terrible Toilet Trauma

So yesterday was spent at a sheep farm. It wasn't quite like I had been led to believe, but it was still really, really, really awesome. I got to do all kinds of things with the sheep, like shear them, play with them, milk them, weave their wool on a loom... I even got to watch a sheep and a goat make love. It was great, watching that inter species romance... Love like that is something we should nurture more, whether it be between a sheep and a goat, two people, or even a sheep and a person. True love is just a wonderful thing, and should not be denied.

Anyways, yeah, sheep farm. Good times... gooood times.

Today not so much. Maybe it was the sheep I ate ou--uh, ate, or the lamb we had for dinner, but something has gone terribly wrong in my digestive tract. I have been pooping all day, and I'm only taking a break just now to get this posted. I don't know if I'll have the energy to do anything today. I won't disgust you with the details, but suffice to say this is probably the worst toilet experience of my life. Imagine taking a whole can of Metamucil powder, sitting on the can for an hour, and then taking a bottle of Ex-Lax while your insides are still being poured out by a team of miniature firemen who's hoses are hooked directly to everything inside your body. Seriously, if it didn't feel like my insides were burning I'd be convinced I could put out fires with the stuff that's coming out of me.

Yeah. Anyways, I gotta get back to the bathroom. Until next time (if I survive).

~Felderburg

You make me feel

Not much to report right now, today was pretty uneventful after this morning. I just crashed, slept for a while, woke up and went to a Barbara Streisand concert. It was for some charity or something, not really my thing (the concert wasn't, not the charity) but it was nice.

Continuing in the older female singer vein, I tried to hop on a Celine Dion chatroom. I say tried, because every time I clicked the link, Firefox froze. I could have gone to another one, but the official chat room seemed like it would be the best place, plus there weren't really any others. It was funny though because the page linking to it had a bunch of explanations of smileys and text abbreviations and other things that are generally common knowledge to internet users. I guess the assumption is older females will frequent the older female singer's chat room? And I guess my assumption there is that older females don't know teh intarwebs.

Tomorrow I head off to a sheep farm, just to check it out. I guess I'll get in touch with my European peasantry roots while I'm there. I am part Scottish, so... uh... dag, there I go with the stereotypes again. Anyways, I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow evening, I guess. I think it'll mostly consist of keeping the flock safe from coyotes.

Speaking of which, my haircut and color is probably going to attract more attention to myself. I decided to let the guy go wild, which I guess may have been a poor idea at a place where everything is a flat rate $7.00? Anyways, my head looks like a giant clown's nose. Short, bright red hair is just not gonna cut it. Heh, cut it. See, 'cus I was talking about a haircut... Anyways, I'm done here. Gotta get some shut-eye, else the sheep might get away. Bye!

~Felderburg

Cafeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeine!

SoIwokeupthismorningwithmtmouthtastinglikelamppostsIhavenoidea
whybutit'sokbecausetheplannersaid"coffee,coffee,Coffee!!!!!"soIdranka
bunchhofcoffeeandnowmynouthdoesn'ttastelikelamppostsanymoreand
IthinkbecauseIneverdrinkcaffeineit'smakingmereallyweirdandthathas
thesamelettersaswiredwhichmakessensebecausebotharehappeningto
meandItookoutthetrashthismorningtooandIcan'twaituntiltheBarbara
StreisandconcertthisafternoonI'lltellyouallaboutlaterspeakingoflaterthis
isitoklaterbye!

Good for the Heart

Boy, I am stuffed. Just completely full. I had a huge meal for lunch, and now I'm in between a round of wine tasting and beer tasting. Wish me luck.

In other, completely unrelated news, I have a question for all my loyal readers (all none of you as of right now). Would it hypothetically be bad, or just illegal, or both, or perhaps neither, to in theory find a state's state bird, kill it, pluck it, marinate and roast it, and then maybe, hypothetically in a completely unreal and theoretical situation, eat it? I only ask because I'm a little tipsy, so this question just sort of, um... popped into my head. Yeah, that's it.

Oh! I almost forgot. I started doing some cardio kick-boxing. The guy in charge was amazing, goes by the name "Billy Blanks." I'm pretty sure it's a pseudonym,* but that doesn't change how cool and sexy he is. In a platonic way, of course.

Anyways, the wine tasting was alright, but the fact that I don't really like wine very much kind of hampered the whole process. I'll let you know how the beer tasting goes.

Love, Felderburg

*The word "pseudonym" of course comes from the Greek, ψευδω, to lie, and ονυμα, name.

p.s. It turns out that wine does not make me very drunk (so far). Again, I'll let you know how it goes.

The Aftermath

Sooo.... last night was enlightening. The introspective parts, that is. The parts where I was being chased by silver ghost elk things? Not so much. Anyways, I woke up wearing a ring, and had to get a marriage annulled. I wasn't sure who it was to until I checked that mess of a post from last night... turns out I married Snuggles, another friend of mine.* Luckily that seems to be the worst of it.

*He had nothing to do with creating the planner.



p.s./addendum/edit/whatever: Oh god, what is that thing! Ok, so, I am now on my way to a tattoo removal specialist, to get this... thing... off of my, uh... "lower stomach." I don't even know what it is. Is it a baby? A coyote? A baby giving birth to a coyote puking out another baby? Who knows? I sure don't, and I think I'm about to puke if I keep looking at it.

Sorry

Sorry about that folks... I uh, I just got a little carried away. I'm trying something out here. Something called... peyote. During a Harry Potter marathon.

I'm learning a lot about myself through this thing. I think that Harry Potter can really teach us a lot. About ourselves, about love, about... well, everything, really. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life now.

I can't reveal it here, but suffice to say it involves three layers and lots of purple. Because purple is so... so deep, man. So deep.

I think I'm going to go back to watching Harry Potter now. I think it's really improving my life. Except for the elk. Those blasted elk are everywhere now. I think they're supposed to be my spirit guides or something, but I'm not too sure. More on this as it develops.

Felderburg, out.

p.s. I'm so hungry I could eat a roadrunner. Seriously.

...or maybe those coyotes are getting into my head.

Rhymes With Coyote

I guess... I mean


Doesn't really rhuyme...



So much... so much Parry... parry hotter.... I can see the Expecto Patronus everywhwree!!

I love snuggles. He is sooooooooooo kind.

I'll meet him down by the station, and, everything'll be
just



fine............









Wooooooooooooo,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Ohmigod there's another one!!! This has GOt to stop. halt. Stop.

Oh those are the same word. Ok.






Bye now







Yum.

A description of what's going on, and some of what's going on

The other day, as I was cleaning out my room to move away, I discovered a daily planner for 2009. Several friends of mine decided to fill it out for me. This is a chronicle of my attempts to follow their plans.

Unfortunately, I didn't look at the planner until today, which means I've missed two days worth of plans. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it means I missed out on getting a "fabulously well paying job." On the other hand, it also means I missed out on getting an enema.

But on the other other hand (that's back to the one hand again) I also missed a lunch meeting with Mel Brooks. This is too bad, because I'm sure my friends went through a lot of rigmarole to get the appointment. I'm also disappointed that I didn't get to tell him that Spaceballs is more like Sucked Balls. Yes, that's right, I don't like Spaceballs. I even stopped watching it part way through it was so bad. In fact, the only reason I got so far was to spite my father, who had said "Oh, I don't know, I don't think this movie is that good," to which I responded "No way! Everybody thinks this is a great movie! It's gonna be awesome."* But as my forced guffaws turned into forced grimace-smiles and half-hearted "Ha..."'s I realized that my father was right, and that I should go do something more worthwhile with my time, like punching a steel wall with my bare knuckles.**

Back to the other hand, missing yesterday's plans does mean I get to keep my bell-bottoms. See, I have this extremely sweet, exceedingly awesome, eh-very kooool pair of jean bell-bottoms, which I love very much. So much so, that I don't know if I would have given them away, even if I had been following the planner yesterday. Although it is odd that giving them away was the plan for yesterday, since two nights ago (the night before yesterday) I had a dream where everybody was telling me my bell-bottoms were horrendous, and I spent the whole dream trying to not give them away or prevent them from becoming immolated or both. It was a horrible, horrible dream.

Anyways, today started bright and early with a shoe shine scheduled for 6 a.m. Why my friends did this to me, I don't know, but there it is. So my shoes are quite shiny now. Or they were, until I went to my high school campus. See, on my high school's awfully large grounds, there are some coyotes. And as I was walking with my newly shined shoes on said grounds, these coyotes apparently got angry. I don't know if it was my newly super shiny shoes, or the way I walked, or what, but they started going after me. Now, this isn't the first time I've been chased by coyotes, but it was certainly the most hair-raising. These guys were not messing around this time. I had to ford three rivers, disguise myself with sticks and river mud, and hop on a helicopter before they gave up. But give up they did, and now I'm safe and sound here at home, with some less-than-shiny shoes and river mud in my unmentionables. With any luck, the haircut and coloring I've got scheduled for later today will help disguise me the next time I'm on campus. And there certainly will be a next time, because I'm working there for the summer (this is not the fabulously well paying job, but it does pay pretty well).

That's it for today, a little long for a first post, but a lot has happened. Hopefully I'll keep this up-to-date every day. Shouldn't be too hard, seeing as there're things planned for me every day until August, I think. Alrighty, this is Felderburg, signing out.



*I have noticed I do many things for this reason. I suspect half an Oedipal complex hidden in my subconscious.
**Don't ask why there are steel walls in my house. I don't know. Some of the older people here might, though. Maybe I'll ask them.