The Law Can be Confusing

So I spent much of this morning writing a thank you note--letter, really-- to my mom, who bailed me out of jail this morning. It turns out asking young children back to my place to "hang out and ask questions about life" is against the law. Who knew? Anyways, the arraignment isn't for a while, so I'll let you know more as that approaches. On the plus side, the cops did keep me safe from any wayward coyotes thinking I was a giant chicken suitable for eating.

As far as the planner goes, I was supposed to dress up as either "wagnet youth" or "magnet garth" or "waynex yarth." I decided to go with a cowboy hat (for Garth Brooks) and a whole bunch of magnets. The party time I had was excellent. My computer didn't think so, which is why I am at an internet cafe, mostly naked (my costume had to be left at the door. Something about magnets and damage to the mainframe).

I'm pretty tired though, what with the jail time and party time, so I think I'm just going to have some nice down time with a sheep. Should be pretty relaxing. Felderburg, out.

Elementary Musings in a Chicken Suit

So I have a chicken suit now. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I went and sat in my car for a while, thinking of all the amazing places I could go in a chicken suit.

I guess I didn't come up with that many, since I went back inside and played with a hair dryer.* This may not sound like the most fun of activities, but lemme tell ya, this hair dryer is crazy. It has all kinds of crazy shooty things coming out of it, for curls or something I'm guessing, and about a million different settings. It's very sleek and expensive looking. It also may not work anymore.

Anyways, I ended up just driving around, and I discovered an elementary school where the kids were playing some crazy kind of hopscotch/four-square/freeze tag or I don't even know. So I asked one to come over and explain it to me but I still don't get it (she obviously didn't do a good job). Either way, in watching these kids, I have become struck at how cool and unknowingly deep they are. I'm pretty sure if I were to ask one questions about life, the universe, and everything, they would either say "42" or respond with something so profound and beautiful it would hurt deep inside. I think I may just ask one to come home with me, just to hang out and ask crazy questions. I'm thinking one of the precocious girls, since the boys seem more intent on pushing other and picking their noses. I'll let you know how that goes. I just hope they're not scared away by my chicken costume.

~Felderburg



*I may have also been afraid that the coyotes would chase me, thinking I was a giant chicken.

Whoops

So, it looks like I messed up. See, the planner doesn't have Sundays. It just has a little section on top of Saturday where the evenings usually go for the other days. So basically I'm a day ahead.* What does this mean for you? It mean, unfortunately, that I will not post tomorrow, because I have a day off. Woohoo! It's a good thing too, because I probably need the rest.

I spent all of yesterday wiping my butt, and resting, and all of today using a bidet, and resting.** I'm thinking about using my trash bags full of used toilet paper to keep the coyotes away. I just have to hope they're not like other canines I know. Anyways, I hope that all wasn't TMI for you, and I'll see you in a day or two!

~Felderburg




*This would explain why the sheep farmers were surprised to see me. Luckily, sheep farming is an all-week job, so it didn't really matter, I guess.
**Bidets are surprisingly hard to find. There were several not-so-good ones that I found initially, before finally settling on a fancy hotel with old-school plumbing fixtures. I thought that quality really should not be compromised in a situation like this. The fact that I had to skip out on paying a very expensive hotel room and left the bidet much unimproved is alright with me--I think the clean results are worth it.

You make me feel

Not much to report right now, today was pretty uneventful after this morning. I just crashed, slept for a while, woke up and went to a Barbara Streisand concert. It was for some charity or something, not really my thing (the concert wasn't, not the charity) but it was nice.

Continuing in the older female singer vein, I tried to hop on a Celine Dion chatroom. I say tried, because every time I clicked the link, Firefox froze. I could have gone to another one, but the official chat room seemed like it would be the best place, plus there weren't really any others. It was funny though because the page linking to it had a bunch of explanations of smileys and text abbreviations and other things that are generally common knowledge to internet users. I guess the assumption is older females will frequent the older female singer's chat room? And I guess my assumption there is that older females don't know teh intarwebs.

Tomorrow I head off to a sheep farm, just to check it out. I guess I'll get in touch with my European peasantry roots while I'm there. I am part Scottish, so... uh... dag, there I go with the stereotypes again. Anyways, I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow evening, I guess. I think it'll mostly consist of keeping the flock safe from coyotes.

Speaking of which, my haircut and color is probably going to attract more attention to myself. I decided to let the guy go wild, which I guess may have been a poor idea at a place where everything is a flat rate $7.00? Anyways, my head looks like a giant clown's nose. Short, bright red hair is just not gonna cut it. Heh, cut it. See, 'cus I was talking about a haircut... Anyways, I'm done here. Gotta get some shut-eye, else the sheep might get away. Bye!

~Felderburg

A description of what's going on, and some of what's going on

The other day, as I was cleaning out my room to move away, I discovered a daily planner for 2009. Several friends of mine decided to fill it out for me. This is a chronicle of my attempts to follow their plans.

Unfortunately, I didn't look at the planner until today, which means I've missed two days worth of plans. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it means I missed out on getting a "fabulously well paying job." On the other hand, it also means I missed out on getting an enema.

But on the other other hand (that's back to the one hand again) I also missed a lunch meeting with Mel Brooks. This is too bad, because I'm sure my friends went through a lot of rigmarole to get the appointment. I'm also disappointed that I didn't get to tell him that Spaceballs is more like Sucked Balls. Yes, that's right, I don't like Spaceballs. I even stopped watching it part way through it was so bad. In fact, the only reason I got so far was to spite my father, who had said "Oh, I don't know, I don't think this movie is that good," to which I responded "No way! Everybody thinks this is a great movie! It's gonna be awesome."* But as my forced guffaws turned into forced grimace-smiles and half-hearted "Ha..."'s I realized that my father was right, and that I should go do something more worthwhile with my time, like punching a steel wall with my bare knuckles.**

Back to the other hand, missing yesterday's plans does mean I get to keep my bell-bottoms. See, I have this extremely sweet, exceedingly awesome, eh-very kooool pair of jean bell-bottoms, which I love very much. So much so, that I don't know if I would have given them away, even if I had been following the planner yesterday. Although it is odd that giving them away was the plan for yesterday, since two nights ago (the night before yesterday) I had a dream where everybody was telling me my bell-bottoms were horrendous, and I spent the whole dream trying to not give them away or prevent them from becoming immolated or both. It was a horrible, horrible dream.

Anyways, today started bright and early with a shoe shine scheduled for 6 a.m. Why my friends did this to me, I don't know, but there it is. So my shoes are quite shiny now. Or they were, until I went to my high school campus. See, on my high school's awfully large grounds, there are some coyotes. And as I was walking with my newly shined shoes on said grounds, these coyotes apparently got angry. I don't know if it was my newly super shiny shoes, or the way I walked, or what, but they started going after me. Now, this isn't the first time I've been chased by coyotes, but it was certainly the most hair-raising. These guys were not messing around this time. I had to ford three rivers, disguise myself with sticks and river mud, and hop on a helicopter before they gave up. But give up they did, and now I'm safe and sound here at home, with some less-than-shiny shoes and river mud in my unmentionables. With any luck, the haircut and coloring I've got scheduled for later today will help disguise me the next time I'm on campus. And there certainly will be a next time, because I'm working there for the summer (this is not the fabulously well paying job, but it does pay pretty well).

That's it for today, a little long for a first post, but a lot has happened. Hopefully I'll keep this up-to-date every day. Shouldn't be too hard, seeing as there're things planned for me every day until August, I think. Alrighty, this is Felderburg, signing out.



*I have noticed I do many things for this reason. I suspect half an Oedipal complex hidden in my subconscious.
**Don't ask why there are steel walls in my house. I don't know. Some of the older people here might, though. Maybe I'll ask them.